Monday, January 28, 2013

Life

The funny thing about growing up is that you can believe one thing for so long and then suddenly you realize that you're just wrong. That doesn't mean that you've been wrong the entire time... but that maybe something changed and either the situation itself is different or you find that you are the variable that has changed. My 23rd birthday was last week and birthdays have me thinking about everything that has changed in the past year... the different ways that I had changed.

There are a few things this past year had really changed my life... for the better I'm pretty sure. I lost my best friend. I don't really like the word "lost" for this particular situation but I used it for a lack of a better one. I feel like when someone uses the word lost it insinuates that they would like to find said object/person, that they would like that person back. I don't. Pretty much the very minute that Courtney and i stopped talking a veil lifted off of my eyes and I could finally see things clearer.

I knew this girl in high school, Rachel, and I always thought she was kindof a lemming. You know does what people say because they don't want to feel left out. She had been dating my friend Nate and I never really saw why he was with her. I ended up being cast in a show this past summer in which Rachel was cast as my sister. I was a little peeved that I'd have to put up with her all summer. Then, one night before a show, Courtney and I had the last converstaion that we will ever have. At the time I was very upset... and Rachel was driving away and when she saw me crying she turned around, got out of her car, got into mine and just hugged me. The next day we talked about everything that had happened with her and Nate and I realized that I was an awful person. Everything that I had disliked about her were from Courtney's judgment and i just took her word for it because she was my best friend. Rachel is a phenominal person... one of the best that I know actually. She speaks her mind, she listens to her friends and she treats them with love and respect. I hope Rachel will be in my life for a very long time.

Another amazing person that I met through this rather upsetting experience was my best friend Dave. Dave is wonderful, and pretty much does all of the same things with me that Courtney did. Courtney and I were always in contact. We would randomly text eachother things in classes, or on our way to work or before bed. When we stopped talking I was worried that I would become lonely because there was no one else that I could just talk to about random silly things. That's when Dave came into my life... it is almost scary how effortlessly he fills that void in my life. I'm sure him and I wouldn't be as close if Courtney was still in my life.

Sometimes I wonder what I would say to her if she called me and appologized for just ditching Charisse and I...her two "best friends." ...but honestly... I don't care if she ever does. It almost hurts more to think that I don't care just because of the amount of time and energy I put into making sure that I was a great friend to her. Always making sure that I had time to talk to her when she had a problem, or making sure that I would read through her french papers or edit her essays. This summer I realized that yes, I was a great friend to her... but she was never a great friend to me. She never once did anything that would inconvienence her for Charisse or I. When she called to talk it was always because she wanted to talk about herself and then she had to go before she'd even ask me about my problems. I used to think that she knew me better than anyone in the world... and then I started to realize she didn't even know some of the basics. What sort of person just stops talking to the people in her life that have always been there for her? Without even the slightest hint as to why. I miss her. I miss the old her but the last few times I've spent time with her... she was self-obsorbed to the point of disgust. I was surprised she didn't have a mirror taped to her hands just so she could always look at herself. But what was the worst part was that she blatently called herself hotter than one of our oldest friends. I'm sorry Courtney...but maybe Mark took Meshya to the wedding because he wanted to have fun instead of talking about you all night long. That may have been harsh but I'm really not concerned about her ever reading this because she too obsorbed in her own life to care about anyone elses blogs.

I was in a friendship with a person that was slowly becoming a toxic hole of self-centeredness. Now I am surrounded by people who I love and trust and I know that they love and trust me too. I know that if I need something... they are there for me. I have true good honest friends and I feel beyond blessed.

My point to this long post is simple: no matter how much you believe something can last... when another person is involved you really can't control the situation fully. People change, you change, situations change and no matter how much... or how little... you want things to stay the same...they just can't. Some people grow with you and others grow away from you. A year ago I would never have thought that Courtney and I would stop being friends... it still surprises me when I actually write it out... but I'm not upset. I have Rachel, I have Dave, I have Jared, I have Autumn and of course... I have Charisse.