Monday, January 28, 2013


The funny thing about growing up is that you can believe one thing for so long and then suddenly you realize that you're just wrong. That doesn't mean that you've been wrong the entire time... but that maybe something changed and either the situation itself is different or you find that you are the variable that has changed. My 23rd birthday was last week and birthdays have me thinking about everything that has changed in the past year... the different ways that I had changed.

There are a few things this past year had really changed my life... for the better I'm pretty sure. I lost my best friend. I don't really like the word "lost" for this particular situation but I used it for a lack of a better one. I feel like when someone uses the word lost it insinuates that they would like to find said object/person, that they would like that person back. I don't. Pretty much the very minute that Courtney and i stopped talking a veil lifted off of my eyes and I could finally see things clearer.

I knew this girl in high school, Rachel, and I always thought she was kindof a lemming. You know does what people say because they don't want to feel left out. She had been dating my friend Nate and I never really saw why he was with her. I ended up being cast in a show this past summer in which Rachel was cast as my sister. I was a little peeved that I'd have to put up with her all summer. Then, one night before a show, Courtney and I had the last converstaion that we will ever have. At the time I was very upset... and Rachel was driving away and when she saw me crying she turned around, got out of her car, got into mine and just hugged me. The next day we talked about everything that had happened with her and Nate and I realized that I was an awful person. Everything that I had disliked about her were from Courtney's judgment and i just took her word for it because she was my best friend. Rachel is a phenominal person... one of the best that I know actually. She speaks her mind, she listens to her friends and she treats them with love and respect. I hope Rachel will be in my life for a very long time.

Another amazing person that I met through this rather upsetting experience was my best friend Dave. Dave is wonderful, and pretty much does all of the same things with me that Courtney did. Courtney and I were always in contact. We would randomly text eachother things in classes, or on our way to work or before bed. When we stopped talking I was worried that I would become lonely because there was no one else that I could just talk to about random silly things. That's when Dave came into my life... it is almost scary how effortlessly he fills that void in my life. I'm sure him and I wouldn't be as close if Courtney was still in my life.

Sometimes I wonder what I would say to her if she called me and appologized for just ditching Charisse and I...her two "best friends." ...but honestly... I don't care if she ever does. It almost hurts more to think that I don't care just because of the amount of time and energy I put into making sure that I was a great friend to her. Always making sure that I had time to talk to her when she had a problem, or making sure that I would read through her french papers or edit her essays. This summer I realized that yes, I was a great friend to her... but she was never a great friend to me. She never once did anything that would inconvienence her for Charisse or I. When she called to talk it was always because she wanted to talk about herself and then she had to go before she'd even ask me about my problems. I used to think that she knew me better than anyone in the world... and then I started to realize she didn't even know some of the basics. What sort of person just stops talking to the people in her life that have always been there for her? Without even the slightest hint as to why. I miss her. I miss the old her but the last few times I've spent time with her... she was self-obsorbed to the point of disgust. I was surprised she didn't have a mirror taped to her hands just so she could always look at herself. But what was the worst part was that she blatently called herself hotter than one of our oldest friends. I'm sorry Courtney...but maybe Mark took Meshya to the wedding because he wanted to have fun instead of talking about you all night long. That may have been harsh but I'm really not concerned about her ever reading this because she too obsorbed in her own life to care about anyone elses blogs.

I was in a friendship with a person that was slowly becoming a toxic hole of self-centeredness. Now I am surrounded by people who I love and trust and I know that they love and trust me too. I know that if I need something... they are there for me. I have true good honest friends and I feel beyond blessed.

My point to this long post is simple: no matter how much you believe something can last... when another person is involved you really can't control the situation fully. People change, you change, situations change and no matter how much... or how little... you want things to stay the same...they just can't. Some people grow with you and others grow away from you. A year ago I would never have thought that Courtney and I would stop being friends... it still surprises me when I actually write it out... but I'm not upset. I have Rachel, I have Dave, I have Jared, I have Autumn and of course... I have Charisse.

Monday, February 27, 2012

What a crazy busy week this week is going to be... I'll spare you the day to day details but to put it bluntly I have zero time to relax... or even go to bed earlier than normal... blah. I'm really excited for tour though so there is some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.

I went grocery shopping yesterday... It was a little strange when I looked down in my cart and realized I had "adult food." Adult food: Food that needs more than just a microwave to cook it. This is very easily the first time that my cart wasn't invaded by pounds of soup and various types of chef boyardee. I actually bought bacon... and then you wanna know what I went home and did with that bacon... I cooked it. :)

That being said, It's sort of funny how people change, and adapt into a different relationship. Chris cooks... like real (adult) food. So, I really never had the need to do any cooking because he was clearly the superior chef. Pretty sure I asked him how to make tomato soup once, he pointed to the can where the directions read: 'cook.' Jared, however, is a master at ramen. :) While this was great for my scale, Ramen really doesn't hit the spot 4 days a week. ;) So, I started making things like Hamburger helper, BLTs, Grilled Cheese and tomato soup... and yesterday I cooked a whole meal... like with side dishes and everything. You may be laughing at me because honestly a 22 year old cooking a meal isn't really impressive...  but HEY! I feel accomplished. I called Court last night and told her about my day of cooking and laundry and she was all: "who are you?" It is just fascinating to me  how roles in relationships can drastically change when you begin a relationship with someone else. I wonder if this is a common thing, that if you notice that something is missing in a relationship that you had in a previous one (ie a person who cooks) you try to fill that. Granted my cooking isn't Chris's yummy salmon... but honestly we did eat out more than he ever cooked... so I feel good about myself when I cook food rather than eat too much at a restaurant.

Food is not the only thing that was different, as much as i'm sure he doesn't want to read this... Chris you might want to skip this section. (pretty sure you're the only one who actually reads these posts though) Jared is just different. There really isn't a time when I'm not thinking about him or want to be with him. For the first time in my life, I'm content with lying in bed all day and doing nothing but talking. Jared's little quirks that would normal drive me crazy, like telling the same awful joke 300 times a week, I instead find endearing and can't help shaking my head and laughing at him. I'll be talking with my friends and subconsciously try to find excuses to bring him up in conversation. Kristen, Hannah, and Laura are angels for not smacking me in the face whenever I word vomit about Jared. This is the first time in a relationship where I just want to be next to him, it's been almost 4 months and my heart still flutters when I see him in the hallway, I still skips a beat when he grabs my hand. He just makes me smile all the time, and no matter what hardships i'm going through... It feels ok because I know that he will hug me, tell me everything is ok, and tell me he loves me. Nothing can be wrong when he says these things to me. I'm so lucky to be with him.

Ok.. gooey mushy stuff is over...

Only about 7 mins of class left, Pandemonium by Lauren Oliver comes out tomorrow and I still have a gift card (it's lasted 2 weeks... record me thinks) I REALLY REALLY want to go to BN to get it (hey that's another big difference btwn ,my relationships with Chris and Jared, Now I never freakin leave Vermillion... blah) I do really miss Chris though (and I'm not just saying that) I miss our trips to Sufu and sioux city where we would just enjoy each others time as people, but hey obviously when relationships end... things change, even if some of those things you don't necessarily want to change. Anyway... back to what I was saying... I have to go to BN before tour so I have a book to read. Ok 1 min left now... I need to log off.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Hell Week Day 2: Episode 5

Episode 5: In which I got a huge chunk of work done yesterday and now I feel like i can slack of but I really can't

The title pretty much tells it like it is. I have about 7 more pages to crank out of this paper and it's Jared's birthday so I have zero motivation to do anything except hang out with him.... but being the great person that he is... he came to the library with me and we are doing homework together. This is good... this means that I won't be spending an hour and a half walking around the library trying to avoid my homework.

I'm really hoping that i'm correct in this being a productive study session... because I have about an hour and 20 mins before his birthday dinner.

Think positive!

Episode 5: end

Monday, December 5, 2011

Hell Week Day 1: Episode 4

Episode 4: In which my coffee is cold and my outline is amazingly detailed

It's true... my coffee is cold. :(

BUT on the bright side I'm just shy of 5.5 pages. :) I took a little break from actually writing to organize my thoughts a little better in my outline. I was starting to get worried that the paper might jump around a bit but now I think it's laid out rather nicely.

It's dark out and the 2nd floor of the library is starting to clear out a little bit. I'm thinking that within the next hour i might brave the cold weather so I can have a little change of scenery. I still have to go home and make some supper and hop in the shower... and organize myself for tomorrow. So I'm sure I'll be able to get at least a little work done while my food is cooking. I bet your smiling to yourself right now thinking that you know that I will get ZERO work done if I go to my apt... but truthfully I think you're wrong. I've got a good chunk done... and usually the part that i struggle with the most is actually sitting down and starting it... but I've clearly already done that... for 5 hours. (sad... that's like a page an hour... SOOO not what I'm used to) I think that at about 7 I might start heading over to my apt and then it's monday night so I'll pop over to Beta to have a homework date with Jared. Another change of scenery, and hey, no work tomorrow... so after XDIS... (or during XDIS) I can get some more work done.

I'm slowly trudging through this damn tunnel...

Hell Week Day 1: Episode 3

Episode 3: In which I make Significant Progress and compare Mario Levels to Hell Week

So I'm at about 3.5 pages. Only a little over a 5th done... but still... considering what my last hour and half was like (see episode 2) another 2.5 pages is a good run. It took a little longer than I would have liked, but of course,  I did have a couple distractions (courtney called, and I had to pee) but I overall I think I'm doing fine, I had a minor freak out when I realized that I only had 3 pages done and still needed 12 more and didn't know if I had 12 pages worth of stuff to talk about... (I tend to write rather concise... academic writing that is.) but i calmed myself down when I realized I still hadn't gotten to the meat of my argument yet, and still hadn't added in my source material. So I think right now that I'll be fine. Once I get to a point in this paper where I feel like I'm comfortable I need to hop on over to the FA so i can practice my music so I don't freak out tomorrow or look like an idiot during my jury on Wednesday. I'm still not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel... but at least i'm not standing at the beginning  looking in with terror anymore. I need to be Mario here and jump onto the scary box that looks like it might fall into the lava and just make my way towards the end of this level as fast as I can...

Also... I got work off tomorrow which is another couple of hours to work on everything before I go out to dinner with Jared for his birthday. So that is another HUGE weight lifted off my shoulder. You'd be surprised how much those 5 hours are going to help me.

Back to the paper...

Hell Week Day 1: Episode 2

Episode 2: In which I do... well... nothing for an hour and a half.

1:56- Watching youtube videos... not off to a great start
2:05- facebook
2:11- bathroom break... and then I promise... I'll start to read some of these articles!!!
2:17- Picking up first article...
2:21- Decided to write outline first to know what I'm looking for in said articles... Now working on working outline. (seriously, i'm actually doing this... that's a good start)
2:44: Outline pretty well organized. First page written. (Do you think that deserves a little nap?)

.... I need a class of wine... and a nap.

2:50 -Just resting my eyes
2:53- Going to get coffee because I feel like that will be more productive than sleeping
3:24- Well that trip took longer than anticipated...

But hey now I have coffee, sugar, 2 bottles of tea and a charged ipod. I'm reading to crank out this paper.

Episode 2: end

Hell Week Day 1

I'm warning you off the bat... this is going to be a long... wordy... often times whiny and repetitive series of blog posts. They will undoubtedly be super boring and frequent. That being said... i don't care if you read them or not... If i am going to stay sane through the next 8 hours or so... I'm going to need to be able to write in an unprofessional, messy, judge-free manner. You've been warned.

 Episode 1: In which I find Research and Daunting List
Often times college students complain about finals week... and how they have no time eat, sleep, socialize or do anything that remotely resembles fun. Not me. Once finals week starts, I'm happy... because I can finally see the light at the end of this long, curvy, nasty tunnel of doom that is the end of the semester. The week I dread... is the week right before finals week... the last week of classes; "Hell Week." Why do I hate this week so much? As an English major... ALL of my papers are due during Hell Week, which means not only am I cramming to get all the knowledge I need for my actual finals to stick in my head... but I'm also trying to puke out dozens and dozens of papers into some sort of coherent thought. Right now... I am so disgusted by the amount of work that i have been (blatantly) putting off, that I have decided to blog about my progress so I don't feel like such a worthless human being tomorrow.

Ok I will start off this Hell week blog with my list of things that need to be accomplished by friday:

1.  15 page Capstone paper: Compare and Contrast differences between Angela Carter's The Bloody Chamber with the classic Grimm's fairy tale Bluebeard.
2. Rehearse With Becca before Juries Performance on Wednesday at 12.
3. Finish memorizing music for Juries performance on Wednesday at 12.
4. 10 page paper for Criticism due Friday by midnight.
5. Pick topic for 10 page Crit paper due Friday by Midnight.
6. Xdis Evaluation paper
7. observe a  group in XDIS on Tuesday so I can write my XDIS evaluation paper
8. Finish 10 page XDIS paper: Holocausts effect on Literature
9. Jared's birthday dinner Tuesday night.

Wouldn't it be nice if they gave us like 3 days off of school before finals week to be able to accomplish all of these things and not still have to worry about attending all of my classes... in which we are doing nothing but watching movies in at the moment anyway. STRUGGLE!

Now for the plot:

I walked into the library at 1:00pm. It is now 1:40 (approx).
I have printed off four more sources for my Capstone paper and found the article that I need to use for my analysis and critique for the crit paper. Next step... leave this loud lower level of the library and find a nice quiet nook upstairs that is close to a window and surrounded by bookshelves, where I will attempt to read said articles and hopefully the words will just pop into my brain and demand to be typed out...

I'll let you know how that goes.

Episode 1- Completed